First I should tell you that I am not a victim of cancer, nor am I a survivor… I am just a “co-survivor” of a cancer victim...There are times I have a hard time expressing myself.  Other times it just pours out of me.  I am so much better at getting my feelings out on paper than in person. I am remembering back in the beginning when Kim was first diagnosed I can honestly say that I was in denial, thinking that there was no way that something so horrible could be happening to our family. Then when they told us that Kim didn’t have too much longer to live it hit me like a ton of bricks. My little sister was going to die. I had never been so scared in my life and wondered how I would live without my sister.  More so I couldn’t even imagine what my sister was feeling nor could ever imagine what was going through her mind . How do you prepare yourself for death?  How do you prepare your children?  How do let them know that everything will be ok?  That in time, things will get easier?   I can’t imagine ever knowing the feelings of those of you who have ever been diagnosed with cancer.

However, I can express the feelings of how one feels after hearing that someone they love has been diagnosed with cancer.  No matter what the situation, no-one is ever prepared to deal with what’s about to happen in their lives. No one can ever be prepared enough to lose their life or to lose a life of a loved one. I know with life comes death, however…the pain is inevitable. It hurts and it hurts like hell!   To all of those who have lost their lives to this beast and to all of those who have lost loved ones. My heart breaks for you.  And to those of you, who are going through cancer, my heart and more so my prayers go out to you.  We can still have hope that one day they will find a cure. As one we don’t have a chance, but together we can make a difference.  So that one day we can all live our lives cancer free.  This story is about my sister Kim and her battle with the beast that eventually took her life.

On July 27th 2006 Kim’s life and the lives of her loved ones, were forever changed, she was diagnosed with stage 2 B Breast Cancer, something that was called ER/PR positive. A type of cancer that was supposed to have many options of treatment.  Kim was told up front that what she had was treatable but not curable. She was ready for whatever was to come her way.  She did what she was supposed to do.  She had the infected breast removed and followed through with the treatments. As the story goes…her life…my life…and the day it changed forever.

Kim was a vibrant 43 year old mother of 4 who loved life and life loved her back in return. How true the old saying goes… that your life can change in the drop of a dime.  Kim was in for the battle of her life but, was she ready?  Is anyone ever ready for what they’re about to endure?How do you prepare yourself for the unknown? Or the unseen?  Something that attacks you from the inside… and hasn’t the courage to show it’s ugly head.  You know, I used to think that if you could know that someone you love was about to die, it would be easier,or more comforting. It meant you had more time, time to at least show them and tell them how much they have meant to you. Let them know how you felt, and try to comfort them and to reassure them that everything would be ok. Boy, how wrong I was. Because no matter how much time you have, no-one can ever be ready enough.  Or prepared enough to lose their life, or to lose the life of someone they love.  The part I struggled the most with, the part I felt so helpless with, was watching my sister, who was once so full of life and who was once so vibrant and ready to take on the world, just start to fade away.  To have her once perfect life taken away from her day by day. That was heartbreaking. Knowing no matter what, there was nothing I could do to take that pain and that suffering away from her. It just killed me.  I guess you could say … a part of me also died inside. That, my friend, is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  Because I was her older sister, I was supposed to protect her, and I failed.  I struggle with that guilt, although in my heart, I knew it wasn’t my fault.  I just wish there was more that I could have done for her.   I so wanted to take away her pain.  I hated seeing her that way… and it still bothers me to this day.

My sister Kim, gave it her all… her courage and her strength even at her weakest moments… were amazing. The strength that she showed, and the way she wrote about her experiences were so inspirational.  Even at her sickest moments,  she still had time to let others know that she was still there for them.  Kim was an amazing person and was ready to do battle with cancer…she was always ready , ready for anything that was thrown her way.  When the treatment she was on would stop working, she was the first to say “what’s next?”  Kim was a true warrior.  She so wanted to live…and fought for her life…never, ever giving up hope.  She was my hero.  After writing about her sickness and everything that she had gone through… she would end it by saying…”today is a good day and I am blessed.”  Even though she knew in her heart that her life would be cut short her optimism never went away.  She in my eyes was surely an inspiration.  I remember a comment she had once made, “I have cancer , cancer doesn’t have me”. They say that when you have cancer you will go through many different stages of emotions.  I can tell you as a “co-survivor” of a cancer victim we too go through different emotions.  I also went through the denial…along with the “why her?”  Why our family?  The fear, the fear of not knowing…along with the guilt…. and all of the other emotions as well.  As for my feelings?  Well, I can’t say that I have cancer, but I can sure as hell tell you that cancer had me! Yes, at times,  I still am very bitter and very angry.  

How do you fight back?  How do you come face to face with the unknown… something that is so evil and has no mercy?  I often think about God…and wonder? Do I have the right to question my faith in God?  I have every right, and still have my days where I question that faith.  I struggle with my emotions and I struggle with the guilt that I feel. I do believe that God has a purpose and that everyone is put on this earth for a reason. I do believe in God. Although, I still struggle with the understanding of it all, and probably will never know.  I remember praying to God to make her better.  I remember having so many questions. Was my faith being tested ?   I wasn’t sure, but one thing that I was sure of, was my questions and more so my prayers went un-answered.  Until my final prayer.  I prayed to God, I begged God to please either help her, or take her.  The one prayer that God heard, he took her.  Now I wish I could take back that prayer,  because I lied.  I didn’t want him to take her. I wanted him to help her and make her better. At that moment I had never felt weaker, or more alone.   Selfish??  Yes, I still wanted her here!  Yes for selfish reasons.  I also struggled with my anger.  Do I have the right to be angry? Very much so!  Cancer took someone very dear to my heart. It took my sister, a part of me, a huge part of my life.  It also took a piece of my heart, a piece of all of our hearts…my mothers especially.

The look on my mom’s face the day my sister died is one that I will never forget.  It felt to me as if two lives were lost that day.  The pain she still feels in her heart today,  I know will never go away.  Yes, it bothers me knowing that nothing I can ever do will take that pain away,  That beast, that cancer took her daughter.  That beast, that cancer, took a mom away from her children.  It just breaks my heart knowing that they’ll have to live the rest of their lives without her. That beast, that cancer, took someone very special away from this life… and for that…the hatred and the bitterness I have towards cancer will never get my forgiveness.

The only thing that I can hold true in my heart and the one and only thing that Cancer will never, ever be able to take away from me… is the memories, our memories.   For those will forever be in my heart… and it can never erase the life we shared as children….and more so the life we grew into as adults.  Those memories of her and I will forever be a part of my life, and I will cherish them forever. As children growing up, my sister and I always had our differences.  At times did not get along.  But Kim, I hope you know that you always had my unconditional love. I’ll miss you more and more each day.

My sister, Kim was the type of person who was always the first to comfort someone who was hurting… never asking for anything in return. Towards the end she only asked for one thing, and that one thing was “time.”  She asked for more time to see her children grow into adults. More time to see them enter the next chapter of their lives. More time to know that her children would be ok… sad to say… she never got that time… because as of December 26th 2007 my sister lost her battle… she was taken home.  Back to a place where she was free of the pain and the suffering.  The only comfort I can find in her passing is knowing that her pain and her suffering has ended, but now for her family, unfortunately, our pain and our battle still continues.  The battle to live our lives without her, they say things will get easier.  Only time will tell. You know the old saying, that you shouldn’t take life for granted.  Me personally, I feel that it’s not so much as taking our life for granted,  as much as it is ” making the time ” that we take for granted.  So I say to all of you:  Take each day as it comes. Live each day as if it is your last. Cherish every moment you have.  Take that “time” to let yourself Live, Love and Laugh. Remember to let yourself be loved.  Take care of yourself,  so you can take care of those who love you the most. This I say this to you from the bottom of my heart…because I know first hand… that “those” days and “those” moments… can be taken away from you at any “time”….

And this I say to… my sister…straight from my heart… I will always love you and will miss you more with each passing day…I miss your smile, your laughter but most of all your being… In memory of Kim Brennan Hrdina who lost her life… December 26, 2007…. we pray that you are resting in peace…

Written January of 2009 by Kelly Gibson…
Kelly~

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