My wife Christina was diagnosed with Stage 2 ,Triple Negative, node positive Breast Cancer in February 2006. Christina was a sleep when I first heard those life changing words. I was in shock, standing there feeling very lost and scared in that recovery room.I was scared more than I have ever been in all my life. For a grown man to say he is scared, well it is a statement in itself. I was so unsure of what was happening, what was coming and how as a father I was going to carry my children through a loss I myself was not ready for.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. I just stood there. I heard those two words breast cancer .I just shut down. I was alone, no family, no friends and Christina was still sleeping .I called Christina’s parents and then I called her best friend Morgen. I don’t really remember those phone calls. I only know because I was told later about it. All the doctors rhetoric went right over my head. I just wanted to crawl under a bed and stay there indefinitely. I was speechless. I was terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to tell her, utter the words…breast cancer. My heart sank as she woke. How would we get through something like this? Was I strong enough to help her, to carry her and to cope with this unbelievable new diagnosis?

As we made it from one appointment to the next, through the mastectomy and then chemo, life stopped for us. I hide myself away many times not wanting to have to admit this was my new life. Cancer. I hate this word. This word turned life upside down, life went on all around me, but my life, our life stood still.

It was painful for me, as her husband, her friend to watch the process roll out. As her lover it was painful to look, to see where a breast used to be and to know it was absent. I was not repulsed by this, just hurt. My wife will always be beautiful to me, sexy and irresistible. But the loss of Christina’s breast was  terrifying. As she was wheeled down the corridor for the mastectomy my whole body ached. I had tears running down my face. I remember being upset with myself for that. I didn’t want to feel weak, but I was very weak right then and there. I was scared for her, I was scared for myself. Mostly I was afraid of loosing Christina. As as man I can live without my wife having two breasts but I can not live without my wife! I did not know how I would cope if I lost her.

As I watched Christina lose her breast, her hair and the life we had before all this began I felt like hiding myself away where no one could find me. I wanted to forget all the chaos. I had to remind myself I was not just an adult, but also a father and a husband. I was not a child having my hand held through a storm. It was my turn to hold my son’s hands and to be by my wife’s side. Life was hard but life went on. The boys adjusted, I did too. Money was short, still is. I struggled with being a man, the head of my family and not being able to make ends meet. At times it was humiliating. I felt as if I were fumbling in the dark a lot of the time. I said dumb things a lot and I am ashamed that I couldn’t bring myself to go with her on chemo days.But I did learn more about my wife, who she is and what makes us “us” through this struggle. I found I was stronger than I thought I was. I got to know my boys much better. I also had to examine my own fears and face them as best I could.

I know for some men just the thought of their wife having only one breast is enough to make them uncomfortable. To be honest I was not sure how I would deal with it. But I love my wife. I love everything about her and so I knew I could deal with whatever came our way. I loved her breasts, they were undoubtedly sexy, beautiful and a apart of her. Truth: I still find her incredibly alluring and attractive. Nothing has changed that way.

Christina and I both lost something through this experience. The one thing I didn’t lose was my marriage. I knew I loved my wife, one breast or two. Breast Cancer could never change that! Looking back at our journey I can say this: we gained so much more than we lost. If Christina were writing this she would tell you she gained a sense of humor and a lot of confidence. I will tell you that I gained a second chance at life. A full life with the woman I love. I do not know how much time I have with my wife, but I do know this extended time I have with her now is precious. I feel blessed to have her lie next to me every night, to hold her, to laugh with her and to be able to make love to her. These are the things I took for granted before the cancer came into our lives, now I know the time we are given in this lifetime is a gift worth savoring.

Johnny Olachia
Co-Survivor

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